Here it is, 3 am, and I find myself on the internet, blogging, instead of sleeping. Why? Ugh, I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say a lot of anxiety. This is not really a common thing for me. I usually feel in control of my life, like I am living it, instead of life just happening to me. When things go your way, its easy to be happy about it, but what about when things happen that are out of your control? That is kind of what I am going through right now. No worries people, things are fine, really, this is just me processing my thoughts so I can keep it that way.
There is this side of me; I like to refer to her as the real me, that is confident, smart, sexy, capable, beautiful, and when I say beautiful I am talking so beautiful on the inside that it radiates on the outside, kind, compassionate, fun, basically every good thing you can think of. She is awesome and she can do anything she puts her mind to! Seriously, this is a girl you want to know and be friends with. Then there is this other side... you see where I'm going with this? Thanks to Kelly Clarkson's new song that I've been diggin' lately I will refer to her as my dark side. This girl is insecure, ugly, not good enough, stupid, mean, selfish, etc, etc.
This post is kind of personal, but the reason I am posting it is because I feel like this is such a common struggle with everyone. I refer to it as real me, and dark me, but it is just the struggle of dark and light. Who here has seen the cartoons, or movies where someone is trying to make a decision and they have an angel and a devil on each shoulder trying to influence them?
Same thing, this is just my own personal perspective. Instead of the devil telling you to do something bad, it is critical and harsh. I guess it would probably be the one to tell you to do "bad" things too, but I personally feel like I have a pretty good grasp on morality so my dark side is primarily self destructive.
So the real me? I don't call it that by accident. I call it the real me because it is the real me. This is who I was born as. It is who we all were born as. All that dark stuff is learned. Call me an optimistic, but I don't believe anyone is born dark. We learn to second guess ourselves, that we aren't good enough, that we aren't smart, etc, etc. I won't go into the details of how because I talk about that a lot. Look up my posts on Peaceful Parenting and maybe that will give you a clue.
Where do I go from here then? How do I get rid of all the gunk and let the real me shine? There are plenty of good books on the subject, but my favorite is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is a very short, simple and to the point read that I highly recommend. Reading books is only a start though. I know a guy who reads plenty of self help books who is still a mess because he doesn't apply any of it. For me, I nurture the real me. I remind myself that these dark thoughts and actions are a lie and that they don't serve me. I write a blog post to process my thoughts on the subject. ;) Here is a really great article I just read on giving up self destructive habits to lead a happier life.
Anyway, its a work in progress. I feel like the real me shows up most, but everyone once in a while the dark me rears her ugly head and tries to tell me a bunch of crap. I know, this sounds a little schizo, and really maybe it is. I do think the dark me is just an illusion that I keep putting stock in. Like a bad imaginary friend. Who here has seen Drop Dead Fred?
The point is that I am beautiful, I am smart, I am kind, compassionate, capable, and irreplaceable! And so are you!
Is this something you struggle with too? How do you see it? Good vs evil? The Force vs The Dark Side? I am curious to know your different perspectives.